One of the most famous logos in the world is the Nike ‘Swoosh’. That ever familiar simple line drawing with flowing curves that looks great on a pair of sneakers or your favourite sports jersey. Unfortunately, the term ‘swoosh’ is used for perhaps one of the most popular logo design cliche’s in existence. We’ve all seen them. It’s the little arced graphic next to a brand name that is supposed to make it’s owner look ‘hi-tech’ or ‘hip with the kids’. Do a little image search for ‘logo swoosh‘ and you will be shown a bounty-full of delightful little swooshes for your peepholes.
I’ve noticed that there is not just one kind of swoosh. Oh no. They come in all shapes and sizes, and of course can be featured in every colour under the sun, at times often using every hue visible to the human eye. I thought it would be useful to list all of the different species so that you can possibly print them off on a wall chart and tick them off once viewed. A bit like a logo design roadkill map.
Before we delve in to the dark and enchanted world that the swoosh inhibits, let’s first clearly identity the definition of a logo swoosh.
logo swoosh – 1. any of a variety of complete oval or abstract spherical shapes that make you think of the sound ‘swoosh’ once viewed by the naked human eye. They can be found anywhere and at any time, often found to breed during the new year or at the end of a tax year, often resulting from a surplus budget. They breed fast. Like the wind and are extremely contagious. Once a business owner spots an owner of a logo swoosh, they instantly desire one for themselves. This is often referred to as ‘swoosh envy’. They also make any business look really really crap instantly.
Let’s start some swoosh spotting.
The Apocalypse
It’s name says it all. According to folk law, just one glimpse at an apocalyptic swoosh can turn any designers heart to stone. Unfortunately, corporate big-wigs bloody love them, and do not understand just how powerful they really are. They are the most common of the swooshes and can often be found grazing near shallow streams and social media experts. They can also live to be very old. It was reported that a Californian accountant kept an Apocolyptic swoosh as a pet for 84 years, completely unaware of it’s dark secret. If you see one, don’t look directly at it & seek high ground immediately.
The Chalkboard
Not the most common of logo design swooshes but it is extremely dangerous. Originally thought to be endangered, Chalkboard swoosh numbers are steadily rising in densely popular areas of the rainforest, in particular in East Surrey. They are known to be kept as pets by Internet Telecommunications Operators (whatever one of those is). They will make you want to claw your eyes out and are named due to their distinctive claw like form as if someone has just ran their fingernails down a chalkboard.
The Foul Ball
Having been one of the most dominant species throughout the recent three decades, foul ball swoosh numbers have continued to flourish. They are extremely common pets with life coaches and dentists due to their easy going nature and ability to integrate with young children. However, their bulbous noses are often a focal point for bullying among the other species of swoosh.
The Catfight
The catfight is in fact a ‘swaggle’ (the collective term for a pack of swooshes) of apocalyptic swooshes. They hunt together and never venture far away from it’s owner, who believe that they bring luck and prosperity. They are extremely destructive and get their name from looking like a cartoon cat fight from a distance.
The Shocker
The shocker gets its name from the distinct markings on its back and is again popular amongst the ‘tech crowd’ who seem to be stuck in the 90’s. Shockers have the ability to expand their body mass without altering it’s weight. It does this whenever it senses danger from predators, who are mainly start-up businesses or intelligent entrepreneurs.
The Cheshire Cat
Another swoosh of the feline family, the Cheshire Cat is nocturnal and feeds on small insects and staplers. The first species of swoosh ever discovered by John McSheffrey in 1842 was indeed a Cheshire Cat. This led to many being forced to appear in advertising campaigns for many large sports manufacturers. They now have a workers union as a result.
The Lesser-Spotted Dribbling Swoosh
You’ll be lucky to find one of these rare beauties. Legend has it that the lesser-spotted dribbling swoosh lurks at night around basketball courts and are very timid creatures. They are often mistaken for apocalyptic swooshes but can be distinguished due to the slightly different textures on their skin and their ability to change colour depending on the recent trend. There are said to be only a few kept in captivity resulting in an increase of hunters, who will go to any lengths to seek their shiny coats as a prize souvenir of game.
WARNING: Beware of all species logo swoosh. They will bite you and it’s owner.
